The Fire and the Pain Of Grief

We all go through so many processes in grief.
I  for one have done this 3 times in 6 years and yet it never changes, it is always the Pain, Pain.  If I have learned anything  that perhaps you can identify with and it helps you then this page has been worthwhile

There are stages with steps that we climb each day.
Will we get throughout it? Will we ever smile again? All of these things go through our minds. Since I have been through this so many times, you would think I could handle it, but let me tell you each time it is like a knife and the wound is always deep.

There are good days and then there are bad days.
So far this is where I am and hopefully I will grow strong again, although I can never take away the emptiness. Perhaps I can fill it with the good memories to last my lifetime. I will forever cry and I will forever ache.   I think the answer is that you learn to live with it and let others see from you what they want to see. The Outside You and the Inside You , two separate hearts beating  stays deep within yourself always

Grief is not dictated by a set of rules.
Just as I am different from you and you from me, our grief is also uniquely different. Not better, Not worse, Just  OURS
 

"Who am I  now ?"
I think to myself  most of these days? Grief causes a redefinition of oneself.  I have been a daughter, a granddaughter, a wife, a mother
to my Lori  and now I am  What?

Thoughts flow through your mind
I knew my parents would die one day, but not as young as they did and you always beleive that it will not really happen yet.  My husband and I  had so many plans for a future and yet the future was cut short for him at 48. My last and most precious was my Lori.   She had just begin to  live again. After struggling for 6 years with her fathers death, she had finally gotten to that place of adjustment and then God  had his plan for her also.

So now the questions remain Where now ?
What is left for me? Where is my Life ?
What is life when there is no family with you any longer?
  God had planned for man not to live alone and yet here I am.

When we grieve  our body are in a self destructive mood:
Each time you lose a loved one the pain fills every crevice of you body and soul, your heart feels like it is always going to jump out of your  chest.  You don't eat, you don't sleep, you cry and cry.  Your pray to God to help you become strong and yet you continue to
ask him Why, Why?

You have terrible mood swings.
You cry in the worst places, in the bank, in the grocery store .  Your emotions are on Fast Speed, like a roller coaster. You have deep depression, you are so fearful, so very lonely and then the thoughts set in . "The What ifs and If Only I would have done this"

You forget things:
The days, the hours, just slip away and you never know  what  or where you seem to be most of the time.  It is a fog that has set around you and you walk with the pain and your tears  as you can't find a way out  to a better place. You'll find yourself standing in a room and you wonder why you are there. These times the tears just come and you have to run home. You then start to think:  "I don't want to go out anymore," so you  build your Walls  up around and make a Garden Of Broken Dreams and sit  alone where it is safe.

Friends Call, Others Call;
Friends call and ask you out, you say "Sure I would love to do that" and then you back out. Why bother to go out, why bother when you come home to an empty house each night filled with memories and silence so loud you want to scream

Life is so unreal  as you struggle along.
The life you had for so many years is gone and you cannot find you again. You are, just a nothing, a blank person, no purpose, no goals. All this runs through your mind over and over.

Words and Statements people say to you :
At times are  silly is the word perhaps that might fit. The " I know what it is like",  Do they ?  I don't think so. They are not inside you. They do not know the closeness that was there among the ones you loved.  My answer to all this is simply, "Don't Say That"  Everyone grieves in their own way and the best thing you can say is Nothing.  Just Be There.  Just take the person by the   hand and listen to them.

God has his reason:  They Tell you this.
He had his reason for taking your love one, he had
his reason for leaving you here and it is something special.
Words coming from the mouths of those that seem to know the answer, do they say this because there is no answer?
Do they really believe this ? To me this is a"Answer to a Non Answer,"so "Don't Say That". We are in Pain and may not think straight but we are not ready for another "Silly Answer"

"Call me if you need anything""Keep In Touch"
  They say these words to you as they leave and your still in that fog world.  What can you reply back ? You say, " Thank you." Meanwhile your mind is thinking "I've  lost everything
I want to die."

So therefore don't just say, "Call me"
Because  this is something that is always said.  We will not call you and if we do, we find most of the time you are kind, but you are busy with your life and do not have time for us.  We listen as you explain how busy you and your family are and all the things you are doing together , we want to scream, "Stop!  Stop!   Thinking all the while, my family is gone, my love one is gone. We hang up the phone more sad then then before we called you.

I have tried to understand these emotions and thoughts that go through our mind when we listen to others speak of their families, and why we hurt so when we have to hear it all. I have come to the conclusion that it is human envy. The person you are speaking to talks about their life, their family and never once do the realize that this is hurting you. They know you have lost someone, and they think you should be better now, it has been awhile since the death. They are going on so you should be doing that too. They fail to realize that the words they say to you now about their own family is like a knife slicing into your heart. It cuts deep into that part of you that is so tender, so wounded. "I'm so sorry I bothered you," is what you think at the time, all the while you can't wait to hang up because you know you are going to cry.

So therefore If you are sincere in what you say when you say, "Call Me Sometime,"don't wait for them, you call that person and check on them. Do this if you really care.  Do not speak of all the things you are doing, remember this is not chit chat, this is taking time to support this friend with their loss. . Ask, Ask, Ask, " How are you?"  "Do you need anything ?" " What can I do to help you ? "Is it all right to come over and we can visit awhile? " With your own busy life you may not realize how lonely this person can be at times. More then likely you will get the answers, "I am ok, no I don't need anything,"

You see we tend to say the things that are expected of us, yes we say the words people what to hear from us. Human that we all are, we like to have people around us who smile and laugh and not bring us down and we know this now in our time of grieving. , "They don't want to be around me to see my sadness, I cannot laugh as I did, I cannot smile as I did once." So if you are truly a friend, remember this and still be the friend to this person now, there will be a day when they will smile again, I pray for this .

Continued ---here-> 

 

Thank you